The 4 Horsemen of Relationships: Signs of Trouble and How to Overcome Them

In all interpersonal relationships, conflict is inevitable; couples are no different.

Conflicts don't always have to be harmful or destructive; often, they can present an opportunity for repair, intimacy and connection.

Dr. John Gottman, a renoun relationship expert and researcher, conducted research with couples for over 40 years and was able to identify some predictors of relationship success in the way couples managed their conflict. He coined the term the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" to describe the behaviors and attitudes that break the bonds of connection and intimacy between partners.

These four negative patterns - Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling - are alarming signs that will eventually cause unrepairable ruptures in the relationship.

While it can be hard to recognize some behaviors in ourselves, finding ourselves in the behaviors listed below can be an opportunity to practice self-compassion and forgiveness. With awareness, comes empowerment.

Here’s a closer look at the Four Horsemen and what you can do to address them.

1. Criticism

Criticism is attacking your partner’s character rather than addressing specific behaviors. It is often a generic and absolute statement, such "You never take out the trash" or "You're so rude." This type of communication is perceived as a personal attack and can easily escalate into a heated argument.

Antidote to Criticism: Use of "I" statements to express your feelings and needs.

Maintain your focus on behaviors as the subject, and steer away from personal attacks. For example, "I feel tired and unsupported when I see the trash overfilling. Can we please work out a system to handle that?"

2. Contempt

Gottman considered Contempt the most harmful and destructive of the four.

Contempt means belittling your partner, deriding, addressing with sarcasm, disrespect and even name-calling. It sends the message of superiority and it is extremely hurtful.

Antidote to Contempt: Foster a discourse based on respect and admiration of one another. Express gratitude, encourage communications about what you appreciate in your partner.

3. Defensiveness

A healthy dose of defensiveness is adaptive; it guaranteed our survival as a specie.

When attacked, we are wired to defend ourselves.

When a person's defensiveness activated by past trauma, however, often shifts the blame and can turn into gaslighting, all in an effort to avoid accountability.

Defensive statements often sound like: "What's the big deal, you are just too sensitive."

Antidote to Defensiveness: Take responsibility as much as you can. Sometimes it may be easier to take full responsibility, while other times you may only be able to take ownership for a small part - that's ok. By recognizing at least some responsibility, you respond to a bid for repair and invite dialogue.

For example, you may say: "I realize now that leaving left you anxious for a while and even if my intention was to avoid conflict, I did not see how that made you feel. Let's work on communicating better next time even if we are upset."

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down emotionally or physically withdraws from the situation or from the conversation.

While it is a response likely due to the nervous system flooding, it often leads the other partner feeling rejected and reactivates old attachment and abandonment wounds.

Antidote to Stonewalling: It may be hard to recognize your own stonewalling, but your partner may have accused you of shutting down and being emotionally unavailable. Chances are, they are referring to different instances of stonewalling. Explore the ways you handle conflict with genuine curiosity and compassion for yourself.

Remember that a few emotion regulation strategies are easy and always available to you: deep breaths, close your eyes, ground yourself by putting your feet on the ground. Ask, kindly, for some time to regulate your nervous system; splash some cold water on your face. Re-center.

Set the intention to return to the conversation when you find yourself in a better mental and emotional space.

Even the healthiest relationships have conflict. By learning how to communicate with respect, mutual understanding and compassion, even high conflict couples can transform their problematic relationship into an harmonious one.