That unbearable pain in your chest, that feeling of hopelessness, that tragic awareness that you poured all you had in someone else's cup. Someone who took you for granted, who made you question your self and your sanity, who had no regard for how poorly they treated you, who left you in a million pieces, licking your own wounds.
I am all too familiar with that experience - one that I often wished I did not have to share. Truth is, as I look back in time, that experience taught me invaluable lessons about my character and generosity. It gave me the courage to heal my own wounds from the past, to grow into someone who could use their own pain and healing as an entry point of connection to others on similar, often challenging journeys of self-discovery.
A turning point: recognizing the cycle of abuse
A hallmark presentation of narcissistic personalities is their cycle of abuse: they often manipulate their victim into an emotional rollecoaster of adoration, devaluation, abuse and recovery. After the initial love-bombing that makes the victim fall prey to their charm, the narcissist begins the cycle of devaluation: the victim is constantly found in a state of confusion, trying everything to make the relationship work despite receiving breakcrumbs of kindness and a whole lot of cruelty in return. In my experience, no matter how hard I tried to communicate better in hope that the relationship would improve, I was constantly emotionally drained by someone who thrived in control and chaos.
When I expressed vulnerability, I was met with "you are crying all the time!" "you are too sensitive!", "why are you talking?" "why are you picking a fight?" and worse. A simple statement such as "I am hurt" would ignite rageful responses, in the forms of attacks and dismissals. He would hurl insults at me, demand repeatedly that I shut up, slam a door and leave me for hours, sometimes days, in silent treatment. Dr. Donald Dutton, professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of British Columbia, has identified the silent treatment as a poweful tool for emotional manipulation. It serves to punish the victim, leaving them in an anxious state of uncertainty while they desperately seek a resolution.
Not surprisingly, his emotional abuse had one specific goal: to punish me, to leave me desperate for a validation or a resolution that would never come. Through years of my own therapy and in my professional training, I learned that these tactics are all deliberate strategies designed to keep the victim emotionally off-balance and in a state of self-doubt.
The cycle of devaluation, projection and attacks is often referred to as gaslighting: it is a form of psychological manipulation, where narcissists deny tangible evidence, re-imagine their behaviors and intentions, blame their victims, re-write history and attack the victim's character, all in a relentless attempt to keep the victim in a vulnerable state of confusion, anxiety and dependency. Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, author of the book "Healing From Toxic Relationships" describes gaslighting as a characteristic tactic used to erode the victim's perception of reality, making them dependent on the abuser's version of events.
Ending the relationship
Ending the relationship was the most difficult, yet essential step towards my healing. I had to confront the difficult realization that no matter how much I gave and invested in the relationship, I would never receive the love I deserved; my efforts were never going to be reciprocated, and I would eventually be left more hurt and fragmented, the longer I sustained it. Understanding that I had been nurturing and supporting someone who was dedicated to destroying me was extremely painful, and at the same time, liberating. I was finally ready to heal; I was ready to give myself that love. I was ready to pour into my own cup.
Healing in therapy: a holistic approach
Recovering from narcissistc abuse is a complex process; in my work with clients, we often approach treatment as a marathon, not a sprint run. Just as a combination of therapeutic approaches was pivotal in my recovery, we work together to address different layers of emotional damage and repair.
Empathic listening: creating a space for healing
One of the most transformative elements of therapy is the genuine, cooperative relationship between the therapist and the client. In the experience of sharing a space where difficult emotions can be explored, clients feel heard with intention and without judgment. Narcissistic abuse leaves the victim feeling isolated and misunderstood. In contrast, the experience of being listened and attended to with empathy allows the client to feel seen and acknowledged.
Tapping into the client's strength to foster empowerment
A core element of recovery is reconnecting with a person's existing inner strengths. While persistent gaslighting leaves a person feeling stripped away of their power, in therapy one can reconnect with their own resilience, the ability to make a difficult choice for one's own ultimate well-being, their values and inherent kindness.
A strength-based, client-centered approach is necessary to encourage clients to regain a sense of agency over their lives.
Attachment work: attending to the neglected child within
In the relational experience with a narcissist, many deep-seated attachment wounds tend to resurface. The confusing cycle of adoration and devaluation often reflects old attachment traumas. Survivors have to deal with old, suppressed and complex memories of feeling unworthy of someone's unconditional love and presence.
When exploring with clients their attachment history, we generate insights that help understand childhood experiences and how they inform current relationship patterns.
Exploring early experiences through a psychodynamic lens
Understanding that relationships with narcissists often triggers old emotional wounds, clients begin to see how their early emotional neglect made them more susceptible, through no fault of their own, to the narcissist's predatory and abusive manipulation. Becoming aware of the roots of attachment is vital to break free of unconscious drives that keep a victim trapped in the toxic cycle of abuse.
Emotion Regulation: attending to one's pain with compassion and patience
Many survivors have to deal with the experience of feeling complex emotions like shame, fear, and anger. In therapy, victims of narcissistc abuse can learn adaptive coping strategies to stay with these difficult emotions, to feel them without becoming engulfed by them. Rather than fighting the emotion, clients learn to connect to their wounded parts, to listen to them and attend to them with compassion. With mindful exercises, the healing begins from within: clients learn to develop a loving relationship with themselves - a relationship they were often deprived of.
One of the most important aspects of healing in therapy is to implement a trauma-informed approach. Treatment should remain sensitive to the client's experience and level of readiness. This approach is centralized on empathy, empowerment and choice. Clients can feel safe as they attempt to regain control over their lives as well as a sense of self.
Recovery may feel harduous at times, and the journey can be long. However, healing is possible. If you find yourself in the experiences shared above, know that you deserve to be loved, heard, cherished and appreciated just as you are. Each step towards your healing will be a foundational building block towards the relationship you deserve.
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